Lindsay! Oh, Lindsay

In my youth we had a name for girld like Lindsay Lohan: dead meat. The murdering my chaps and I would commit on redheaded nymphs like her was rarely to be matched. While charming them was certainly a challenge, they were also always able to put up a fight. It was a much freer, much more innocent time and I rue its passing now, as my sides grey and my knees ache. But, alas, old MM has a murder or two left in him and a charming smile, to boot!

So when I read that Miss Lohan is in a state of self-denial, attacking Vanity Fair for publishing some unsavory bits from a recent interview, my antennae went up. This is just the kind of mindless vanity that attracts me, like moth to flame, and stirs up the old killing spirits once again!

"The words that I gave to the writer for Vanity Fair were misused and misconstrued, and I'm appalled with the way it was done," Lohan says in a statement to Teen People.



"Aside from [the writer's] lies and changing of my words, I am blessed to have this job and wonderful family that I do," Lohan's statement continued. Teen People says Lohan's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, claims the actress has never had bulimia.

"Evgenia Peretz is one of our most reliable reporters," the magazine said in a statement. "Every word Lindsay Lohan told her is on tape. Vanity Fair stands by the story."

I don't want to come right out and say it, but I find a bony elbow erotic, and the more lost in the tangling vines of one's own self-image and ego the better. For in that jungle a hunter like myself feels truly at home. "Yoo hoo, Miss Lohan! Yoo hoo... Where is that girl who danced with the Disney characters? Yoo hoo."

Miss Lohan, I'm not saying I'll murder you, but I'm not saying I won't, either. Believe me, I've laid to rest bigger bosoms than yours. And I've done it with class. But here is my proposition: dine with me, slowly, in dim light, and sip from a large round glass of champagne, the kind that hums when you run your finger across it, and pour your miseries into the fountain of my heart. I want to take it all in. Then I'll show you my rope collection. And while we're at it, let me have a crack at that lush father of yours -- old MM has never shied away from experimentation and it sounds like he knows how to have a good time.