The Plan

Though I've had more conquests than I care (or am able) to count, few were as satisfying as the night with the Naked Warrior: In my circle of friends, you see, irony is the highest art and to have seduced a figurine such as Richard Hatch, an ephemeral flicker, a -- as you might say -- hologram of fame, is both a delight for my friends and a feather in my cap. I remember him telling me that night, as I covered his thighs in Tazman bandu oils and he took a long, luxurious drag from a Malay stick, that he intended to "pull the wool over that [expletive] IRS's eyes." (I've never paid taxes, but I have friends, you see. And I keep a lower profile than Mr. Hatch.) I smiled, took the joint from him, and wished him luck, but, alas, his plan seems not to have worked.

Hatch, who is considered a flight risk because he owns property in Canada, was led out of the courtroom in handcuffs and taken into custody. His conviction stems from his failure to pay the IRS its share of his $1 million winnings from the CBS show.



He was also found guilty of skipping taxes on $327,000 he earned as co-host of a Boston radio show and on another $28,000 in rent on property he owned. The jury, however, acquitted him of seven bank, mail and wire fraud charges.

Richard, though you were a passing chuckle, I shudder to think what they'll do to you in prison -- only because I won't be in on it. Won't you allow me the pleasure, while sparing you the torture? I have a wonderful stainless steel mezzaluna (Crate & Barrel, I could marry you) that I think would do the trick. And, yes, I'll play that Al B. Sure song you were so enamored of that evening.